I was once struck by something I read from Noam Chomsky -- and I am paraphrasing and extrapolating in my own DGB style here:
We preach 'democracy' and 'equal rights' in politics and law -- and yet how much 'democracy' and 'equal rights' do we actually see and experience each day in our families, our schools, and our places of work? How can we teach and expect democracy and equal rights to be anything more than a 'pseudo-personna' -- 'pseudo-democracy' and 'pseudo-equal rights' -- if all we are teaching and showing our kids as they grow up is 'authoritarianism', 'control-manipulation', 'hidden narcissism' -- and the resulting 'hypocritical discrepancy' between what we as parents say and what we do, between what we say and what we -- by our contradictory actions -- show that we mean.
I certainly was not a perfect parent -- far from it. I flat out didn't spend enough time with my daughter, who for the most part was raised independently by her mother, hundreds of, or even more than a thousand, miles away from me. I would like to think that my relationship with my daughter is as good now as it has ever been even though for sure, we have endured at least one highly heated and painful argument -- and seem to have overcome it -- and now she lives her life independently from me on the east coast of Canada.
Our primary connection now is through 'Facebook' but that is much, much better than nothing, and she seems to be with a very responsible boyfriend, enjoying her life in Nova Scotia, finishing up high school (finally), and sending me back some great wildlife photos from where she and her boyfriend live, hike, fish, and otherwise enjoy the many beauties and pleasures of Nature, 'far away from The Madding, Alienated Urban Crowd and the Rat Race of The GTA'.
My son, I wish that I had read much more to him when he was young and it could have bonded a connection between us -- instead, I'm sure he looked at my reading and writing as activities and time that I spent 'away from him, disconnected from him'.
My parents did their best to compensate in this area but for good or for bad, my son is not a reader and writer. Still he is doing well, career-wise, just graduating this spring as an accredited 'Arborist' and doing a job very well that I just shake my head at, looking at the 50 foot Elm trees that he does much of his work in, and praying that there will never be any accidents. Looking back at his growing up, I wish that I had spent more time with him too, helped him to read and write better, to do his homework more responsibly, not missing deadlines like he always did. I wish that I had helped him to be more responsible with his money, especially his debts and his creditors. In his mid 20s now, learning the hard way from some of his own life experiences, and perhaps from some more encouraging motivation from me, I can still help him to turn his 'oceanliner' around to paraphrase Obama speaking to a young audience of Turkish students.
Oftentimes, it is not only 'States' that are like 'Oceanliners' or 'Tankers' that 'turn very slowly' but people are like that as well. Old habits and value-priorities do not change easily. Oftentimes, changing people -- and changing ourselves -- is like turning an oceanliner. Unless or until there is a tragic or traumatic event, change either occurs very slowly -- or not at all. There is a dialectic polarity going on within each and everyone of us all the time between our 'old values and old habits' (the 'status quo' or 'Establishment' if you wish) vs. 'newly evolving values, desires, goals, and habits' ('Self and Social Change'). In this regard, 'The Individual' is no different than 'The State' -- both generally change like oceanliners turn -- very slowly. Unless, as I said, there is a tragic or traumatic crisis that internally and/or externally necessitates a faster change.
Democracy is not without its liabilities, weaknesses, and pitfalls. The main drawback is a 'slower and more tedious, more multi-directional, decision-making process'. This can try the patience and tolerance of those who like to work fast, and work efficiently.
If you are used to being an authoritarian-unilateral owner, manager, supervisor, and/or father, what are the benefits vs. costs of 'giving up some of your authoritarian-unilateral control'. I've always been of the opinion: 'Win the power battle but lose the child.'; or 'Win the power battle and lose the employee'. Or conversely, 'lose the power battle, and lose the respect of the child -- or the employee'.
Better still, try not to turn any situation, any debate, any conflict of interest, involving a child, a spouse, or an employee into a 'power battle'. In general, people do not like to be intimidated, threatened, suppressed, repressed, marginalized, neglected -- and that includes children, and especially teenagers growing towards adulthood, looking to assert more of their individual power. The older your child is, the better it is to try to hash out your differences in a creative-dialectic-democratic manner -- where you can both leave each other believing that whatever the issue is, it has been handled reasonably and responsibly, as well as pragmatically and realistically, knowing that your teenager needs to learn how to properly balance his or her own individual rights, wishes, and self-assertions with his or her social and family responsibilities.
Neglecting and/or tightly suppressing a child's self-assertions is not good parental behavior but neither is the opposite -- pampering or spoiling your child and/or letting them get away with serious social transgressions. A good working balance is constantly needed between these two opposite polariities, opposite extremes -- both in ourselves, and in our children. Everyone needs a good working balance between 'healthy self-assertion' and 'healthy social sensitivity, empathy, caring, altruism, and responsibility'.
Check out the work of Alfred Adler, Rudolph Dreikurs (A New Approach to Discipline: Logical Consequences 1968, and, 'Coping With Children's Misbehavior', 1948, 1958, 1972); and Shirley Gould ('Teenagers: The Continuing Challenge', 1977).
-- dgb, April 8th, 2009.
-- David Gordon Bain
